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Adulting After Divorce: Starting Over Without Compromising Your Child

October 20, 2022
Advice, Divorce, Single Mom Tips
Adulting After Divorce: Starting Over Without Compromising Your Child

No matter if you were married for three days or 30 years, are newly divorced or went through one years ago, you and your children are capable of starting over and conquering a difficult situation. It combines internal work, external work, and a practical co-parenting expense tracker app, like DComply.

Ready to reclaim yourself and make the most of your new life?

Let’s go!

Internal Work:

Uncovering Fear

After divorce, everyone questions things like their worth, desirability, merit, hopes, dreams, wants, and needs.

Your feelings are valid and normal after divorce. However, you don’t want to stay in that mindset, especially when it comes to feelings of hopelessness. With the help of a therapist or counselor or some really good self-awareness, you can uncover and deal with any worries resulting from your divorce.

Those feelings may be buried so deep inside that you aren’t even fully aware of them. Work to bring those fears, both real and imagined, to light. Overcome what’s real and discard what’s imagined. Transform your experiences and feelings into lessons learned, and that knowledge into opportunities and renewed hope.

Appreciating the Lessons

Gratitude goes a long way to help you center yourself, lift your spirits, and reset your path. Begin or end every day with thankfulness for the knowledge and life lessons you’ve had. You are an imperfect human being, like the rest of us. You have made mistakes and will learn from them. You’re not doomed to repeat them.

Forgiving Others and Self

It’s been said that harboring resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy. It only hurts you.

Start with yourself. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. You were doing what you thought was best for you and your family at the time.

In addition, forgive yourself for remembering the worst of times. Know that our brains are wired to protect us, and your mind is doing what it was built to do–remind you of danger so you’ll be prepared for it.

Unpacking fear, separating it into what’s real and imagined, and being thankful come to our aid when bad memories pop up. We say, “Thank you, brain, for trying to protect me, but that scenario doesn’t happen anymore, so what you’re showing me isn’t necessary.”

If you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others. You’re not excusing their actions. You’re just done replaying their poor choices over and over in your head. Just as you are changing for the better, they might be doing the same.

Discovering Yourself

Relationship beginnings and endings, and the other demands of life, can make us lose ourselves without realizing it. Take some time to reflect on who you were, who you became, and the changes you need to make to become who you want to be.

Renewing Your Hope

Dare to hope again. Dream big. What’s your dream job, house, or vacation? How about your dream mate? Whatever your goals and ambitions, they are achievable one step at a time.

External Work:

It’s All About Communication…

If you experienced your parents’ divorce as a child, you understand the hurt and loss from your child’s perspective. But even if your parents had a “happily ever after,” you can still imagine the heartbreak of your child.

It’s nice to be able to see from your child’s viewpoint, but staying in those feelings can lead you down a road of guilty, unhappy, and stressful parenting, …you get the idea. You have some work to do with your children and, yes, your ex so that you can move past the hurt and co-parent effectively.

Like it or not, starting over may include conversations with your ex, especially if you share custody of your kids. Consistent, respectful, child-focused communication is the key.

Experts highly suggest keeping your communication with your ex in writing and relatively brief to decrease the opportunity for arguments. Charged language takes more effort to type compared to civil language, and the act of writing or typing really makes a person stop and think as opposed to saying it. Plus, there’s less room to legally deny something in writing. Consider using a co-parenting app that promotes regular and polite communication through written messages that can’t be deleted or altered.

You’ll also need to allow your children to talk their feelings out, too. You may be open to communicating, but children don’t always readily open up about their feelings. It may take time, effort, and a good counselor who knows some tricks of the trade, but don’t stop trying.

Children’s brains don’t fully develop until their 20s, so don’t expect yours to handle your divorce maturely. They need help with everything from overcompensating in other areas of life to playing you and your ex against each other to get what they want.

It helps to understand that when your child is “being a problem,” it’s because they’re having a problem. Continue to tell them how much you love them with your words and actions. Some kids will “act out” while others “shut down” and keep their feelings bottled up. A family therapist or school counselor can help you and your child unbottle and deal with emotions in a healthy way.

…And Finances

No doubt your finances have changed at least a bit after your divorce. Take time to look over your income, expenses, and savings, or enlist the help of a financial counselor who can help you properly budget and plan for your and your children’s futures.

A practical app for divorced parents, like the one DComply offers, can help you better understand and manage your money. You can pay and request funds for bills, handle child support, and keep up with what is owed and what you owe, simplifying your financial tasks.

What’s a Co-parenting App Got to Do With It?

Financial, legal, and psychological experts can help guide you on your journey to starting over after a divorce. Co-parenting apps can help you with all kinds of necessities, from tracking and managing your funds to peacefully communicating with your ex and helping your professionals better assist you. Check out an app, like DComply, to start managing your new life after divorce.

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