When Your Child Resists Visitation: Handling Co-parenting Challenges

A hundred things run through your mind–Are you forgetting anything? Did you and your child pack everything they’ll need?

You start your car and remember the gas gauge is almost on ‘E.’ You’ll need to stop and fuel up on the way, but you’re already running late.

And then, the meltdown starts. Your child refuses to get in the car. They don’t want to visit Dad. Why can’t they stay with you? Please don’t make them go.

Sound familiar?

This kind of scenario plays out in single-parent homes all over the world. What are parents to do when the kiddos put up a good fight about not visiting their other parent?

No doubt, divorce is emotionally trying for all, even the most resilient children. Separations and divorces can leave children emotionally wounded and confused. They may resent one or both parents.

There isn’t a whole lot a parent or child can do to avoid custody time with a parent who has the legal right (barring unsafe living conditions and of-age adult children). What can you do when your child doesn’t want to go to your ex’s house? Let’s dive into what a parent can do to handle this challenging situation.

Explain the Rules

Teach your child that it would be illegal not to follow your court-ordered agreement. It’s every parent’s responsibility to do everything within their power to follow the custody/possession schedule. You’ll be in serious hot water with the legal system if you make changes without your co-parent agreeing.

Explain that it’s a lot like brushing your teeth, eating your veggies, or going to school–you may not love it, but it’ll be better for you in the long run.

Patiently Encourage

Understand that your child may be experiencing complicated emotions, especially if your separation or divorce is recent. Take heart, knowing that most times, it’s just a phase. Most children soon accept their new way of living.

Custody exchanges typically get easier over time. Keep patiently encouraging your child and reminding them it’s not something you get to do only when you feel like it.

Ask Your Child Why

Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn’t want to visit. Allow them to express their feelings and concerns without judging them. You can even empathize with them (“Yeah. It stinks that you and I can’t be together all the time.”) while stressing the importance of maintaining a good relationship with the co-parent.

Hint: Sometimes, you’ll have more luck getting a child to open up about their concerns and feelings when you’re both engaged in an activity together. Cooking, coloring, swinging–think of something you can do while you have a heart-to-heart.

Communicate With Your Co-Parent

Notify your co-parent as soon as possible. If your child is dragging their feet to a custody switch or if they show signs well in advance of the custody exchange day that they’re going to put up a fight, communicate that–preferably in writing.

Explain the situation as clearly as possible. Some custody orders include preferred communication methods. Notify your co-parent via their preferred method when possible. If it’s not in writing, document it for your own sake as soon as possible.

Communicate and Document at the Same Time

You and your co-parent need a system that allows you to make visitation changes when necessary, communicate instantly about late arrivals to custody exchanges, and keep a written record of what transpired. Co-parenting apps for iPhones or Androids can help you and your co-parent do all this (and more) more easily.

Many apps for divorced parents help with expense tracking, schedule creation, and photo sharing, you name it. Communicate with your co-parent in a better, tech-savvy way by using a co-parenting app created for the many tasks co-parents have challenges with, including communicating about resistant children.

Get Your Co-Parent Involved

Include your co-parent in helping you if your child resists visitations. You might arrange an in-person or virtual meeting to discuss the problem as a family. Also, consider family counseling to help everyone understand each other’s perspectives and experiences.

Be Polite but Not in Contempt of Court

Notify your co-parent when your child is challenging visits. That’s polite, but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for getting your child to the right place at the right time for custody exchange.

Legally protect yourself by documenting (with your co-parent app) all visitation attempts, what happened with your kid, and the efforts you made to ensure you got your child to your ex.

In contempt-of-court cases where one parent alleges the other didn’t stick to the court-ordered custody agreement, courts evaluate a parent’s efforts and how often the visitation schedule violated agreements. The custodial parent must prove they did not deliberately avoid letting the other parent spend time with their child. Courts enforce the custody order first. Fines and jail time follow for parents who continue violating court orders.

Child’s Age and Preference

A child’s age can play a role in custody orders. A child may be able to talk to the judge about their views and opinions towards their parents. Different states have different age considerations for interviewing a child. Whether or not they interview a child or consider their preferences is solely at the court’s discretion.

What to Do if Your Child Refuses Visitation

Communicate with your child and co-parent. You’re looking to:

1. Explain the importance of visiting.
2. Discover why your child is so against visiting.
3. Keep your co-parent in the loop so they understand and can help you overcome this challenge.

Use a co-parenting app to discuss and document everything. Patiently reassure and encourage your child. Consider a family therapist to help. Take suspicions and proof of abuses and neglect to legal authorities.

Video

Infographic

Divorce is tough on everyone, especially children, who may feel hurt and confused. If your child doesn’t want to visit their other parent’s house, check out this infographic for helpful tips on handling the situation.