When Faiths Collide: Religion-Inclusive Co-Parenting Advice

Religious differences can cause big problems in marriage and even more so in divorce. Faith often encompasses morality, codes of conduct, traditions, special holidays or religious observances, and sometimes dress codes and dietary rules.

Lawyers and judges step in if you and your co-parent can’t reach an agreement on the role of religion in your child’s life. While helpful, you can save money, time, and headaches when you agree and respect each other’s religious preferences.

Understanding and brainstorming a game plan that includes and respects your and your ex’s religious differences can make divorce less complicated for everyone. Read more below about how to honor religious boundaries in your co-parenting relationship.

Create a Parenting Plan

As much as possible, plan things ahead of time with your co-parent. Write those plans down in a parenting plan document. Use a co-parenting app to share and stay accountable for what you two discuss and agree on.

Creating a parenting plan helps you account for situations before the moment arrives. Of course, you can’t possibly plan for every possibility under the sun. However, in the case of faith, you can probably foresee certain situations.

For example, does the child attend church services with the parent who goes? Do they attend one week with you and the following week with your co-parent? Should they always spend religious holidays with the parent who celebrates them?

Creating a parenting plan helps you mindfully and intentionally acknowledge some sticking points. You and your co-parent work together to reach a mutual understanding. Regarding religious differences, you might agree to disagree on viewpoints. You admit to not subscribing to the other’s beliefs but choose not to dwell on it.

Working on a parenting plan shortly after or during divorce helps you find common ground. You two can creatively work out future situations for smoother co-parenting sailing.

Focus on the Child

Co-parenting across religious boundaries gets easier once you remember your and your co-parent’s common goal—raising a well-adjusted and happy child.

Keep your child’s best interest at heart when making decisions. More than anything, they need your love and stability.

Your child needs safe and dependable parents and homes. They need a few boundaries that ensure their safety, and learning about various cultures and religions will not break them. Barring unsafe ideas and practices, your child can gain something positive from another religion—if only tolerance and knowledge.

Respect Routines

Consistency is good for a child. If your child practiced the tenets of a particular faith while the family was together as one unit, why not let them do the same after your divorce?

Divorce can turn a child’s world upside down. Something familiar, like their religious practices, can help center them again.

Consider how helpful and valuable established religious routines are between two households. Though you might not see eye to eye on doctrines, you and your co-parent can benefit from the routines your child might thrive on.

Model Inclusivity

Maybe you absolutely cannot stand your co-parent’s religion. Perhaps it’s not even a well-established one. Perhaps, they joined after your divorce, and you’re unhappy about it.

In those cases, consider the importance of modeling inclusivity to your child. If you’re hostile about your co-parent’s religion, your child could pick up on that and become hostile towards others with a difference of opinion.

It’s okay to speak candidly about what you believe or don’t believe, especially if your child asks. However, avoid badmouthing your co-parent or their faith.

Balance Custody Time

Do your best to balance your child’s time between you and your co-parent. Children thrive best after divorce when they have both of their caring parents in their lives. (Note: Advice isn’t relevant in cases of abuse or neglect.)

Let your co-parent have custody during their special traditions. Then, you get your child for yours.

Handle Religious Differences Like a Pro

Handle your and your co-parent’s religious differences fairly, just like an impartial judge would. If you can come to agreements of your own accord, you save time, hassle, and money by keeping your case out of mediation or court.

Here’s how to think like a judge to avoid seeing one:

• Consider Your Child’s Past—Did they observe specific holidays or religious observances before the divorce? If so, let them stick with it as long as it poses no harm to their mental or physical health. If it does, contact a family therapist or a mediator to reach an agreement. Document communications and concerns in your divorced family app.
• Be as Consistent as Possible—Divorce is a massive change in your and your child’s lives. Judges favor situations that are consistent for the children. They prefer to have as few significant changes as possible for a child after the divorce. In other words, let them stick with the faiths they practiced before your divorce.
• Balance Your Child’s Life—Stability and balance are the name of the game for your child. Share time with your co-parent and let your child learn about their faith.
• Keep Your Child’s Best Interest at Heart—Knowing what decisions to make becomes easier when you keep your child’s best interests front and center. As long as your child is safe and cared for, you can relax about more intricate details.
• Practice Positive Parenting—You can’t control your child when they’re in the co-parent’s care. It’s best to focus on what you can control: your actions and attitudes.

Clashing Faiths, Cooperative Co-Parenting

Clashing faiths don’t have to negatively affect your child or co-parenting relationship when you and your co-parent:

1. Prepare for religious differences ahead of time in your parenting plan.
2. Keep your communications and strategies centered on your child’s best interests.
3. Respect each other and your valuable routines.
4. Model inclusivity for your child.
5. Balance custody time so your child can celebrate religious observances with the parent who observes them.

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Infographic

Religious differences can pose challenges in marriage and even more during divorce. Creating a respectful approach to these differences can simplify the process for everyone involved. For tips on honoring religious boundaries in co-parenting, see the infographic.