Independence Day: The Role ‘Date of Separation’ Plays in Co-Parenting

Imagine this not-uncommon scenario:

You and your spouse agree that your relationship is over. You remain amicable and live together while you figure out who should move out of your shared home and where.

You co-parent your children as normally as possible. You begin to slowly do things independently of each other, though—separate meals, chores, time with your children, etc.

You have finances and children to think about. Sure, you want to move out, but that’s easier said than done. Plus, what do you do regarding your children’s school and friendships?

Uncoupling without entirely upending your children’s lives is challenging. It can take a lot of time and strategizing.

And this scenario involves an amicable split. Imagine the confusion and disagreement when one spouse mentally checks out first and starts acting independently long before the other spouse notices.

There’s so much to consider. What happens if one or both of you start other romantic relationships during this time? What if one of you gets an unexpected financial windfall? How do you decide what assets or debts belong 100% to you and what’s shared?

Knowing your date of separation (sometimes called the DOS or valuation date) is crucial. Read on to learn more about what this critical value affects, how to determine yours, and how a co-parenting app can help.

Your Date of Separation Affects…

Your specific separation date plays an important role in your co-parenting life, helping you, your co-parent, and legal counsel determine things like:

At-fault, Infidelity, or Adultery Cases

Depending on the state you live in, you or your spouse might have to present reasoning to begin the divorce process (“at-fault”). The date of separation marks the point at which either of you can start other romantic relationships without it being an at-fault adultery or infidelity situation.

Child and Spousal Support

The separation date marks when one spouse begins reimbursing the other for child- or divorce-related (alimony) expenses. Additionally, courts must know this date to determine back payments in cases of contentious or long and drawn-out divorces.

Property Division

States have different rules for dividing property accrued during the marriage (community property). Your date of separation marks when your purchases end for the partnership and begin for you as an individual.

Even debts (money owed) can count as community property. You not only divide valuable assets like money and real estate, but you also divide financial obligations and liabilities.

Separation Countdown Clock

Some states require a specific time apart before a judge can grant you a divorce decree. Your separation date starts the countdown on the clock.

To determine at-fault cases, who owes what to whom, how to divide assets and debts, and your separation countdown before you can legally get divorced, you and your spouse need an established date of separation.

Why the Confusion?

For some, agreeing with your spouse on the date your separation began is easy. Your relationship may have come to a sudden and abrupt halt after an argument. One of you may have physically moved out of your shared home for good. Or, one may have caught the other cheating, and it was apparent exactly when things were over.

The end of the road in other relationships doesn’t always stand out. It could be more of a slow burn—living apart and getting back together several times or gradually growing apart without a significant occurrence.

What do you do if you or your spouse don’t know your exact date of separation?

Determining Your Date of Separation

Documentation is very critical in cases of separation and potential divorce. It’s a good idea to write down as much as possible and date it. Not everyone has the forethought to write things down as they’re experiencing such a life-changing event, though.

The next best thing to do is speak with your spouse about the date. If you two aren’t on the friendliest of terms, try writing to each other, preferably using a co-parenting app for court-approved documentation.

Text and emails are okay—at least you’ll have something in writing—but a co-parenting app helps you organize all divorce and co-parenting-related information in one place instead of having it buried in your email’s inbox or scattered among texts, emails, and Messenger. Some divorce apps even have a tone meter to keep communications neutral.

You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse can pick a date that suits you based on evidence. Here’s what you can use to help you make that decision:

• Witnesses—One of you may have called a friend or family member or had a family meeting with your child to discuss separating. You may have stopped attending family functions together or had separate holidays.
• Written communications—Emails, texts, notes, etc. might imply or explicitly discuss your separation.
• Documents—Housing/storage rental, marriage counseling, legal representation agreements, tax filings, photos, social media posts, and bank activity can help establish a date.

What if You Can’t Agree?

Suppose you and your spouse can’t agree on a date. In that case, a judge will eventually decide for you using evidence like the above to discover when the two of you started acting independently.

Can You Change the Date?

A legal representative might be able to help you modify your date of separation. Some state rules and regulations make this more challenging as that date affects many other aspects of the divorce decree or agreement.

Your Separation Date Matters

Your date of separation can easily get lost in the shuffle as you manage the significant life changes a separation and impending divorce can cause. However, that date is vital to so many parts of your divorce that you and your spouse or legal representatives must establish one.

Documentation is key for helping you determine your separation date—document as much as you can with your relationship changes. A co-parenting app can help you track important information about your separation and divorce, such as dates you acted independently.