The “Dos” and “Don’ts” Guide to Better Co-parenting

No relationship is 100% smooth-sailing. Co-parenting with your ex-spouse and any possible step-parents will be no different. Chances are, you and your ex-spouse’s communication with each other was less than ideal when you were together. If so, it is entirely normal and understandable that you would have your doubts about making it better now that you are separated.

Take heart; things will get better with time and effort. Toughing it out for the children’s sake will be well worth the effort. After all, children adapt better after a divorce when both parents make them feel loved, safe, and secure. The way to build love, safety, and security is by supporting the child’s relationships with both parents.

The “co” in “co-parenting” means “together or jointly” and requires cooperation, coordination, and communication. You and your ex-spouse don’t have to like each other or agree on everything to co-parent well, but you do have to put your differences aside and focus on the bigger picture of raising your children. With that in mind, plus the following codes of conduct, you and your co-parent can establish a healthy setting where your children can heal and thrive after divorce.

DO:

❖ Make raising a healthy, well-rounded, well-adjusted child your top priority. Don’t assume your co-parent is thinking the same thing; say it, write it, or type it out to highlight your number one goal.

❖ Work on your communication with your co-parent. The goal is open, child-centered, regular communication. While awkward at first, exchanges between you and your ex will get easier with time, practice, and patience.

❖ To help foster healthy exchanges between the two of you, look for a co-parenting app for your Android or iPhone that makes communicating about child-related needs, such as money matters easier. Dcomply is an excellent example of parenting apps for divorced couples that allows you to request help paying child-related expenses (like half of a doctor’s bill) neutrally with minimal conversation. With other co-parenting apps, you can share coordinate schedules, photos, medically-necessary information, and much more.

❖ Establish what rules you and your ex agree about for your children (Example: bedtimes and routines on a school night versus the weekends, holidays, and summer vacation). It would be impossible to foresee every scenario that could come up between now and the time they finish school, so it’s important to start communicating with your co-parent early and regularly.

❖ Remember that ‘well-rounded’ part from our first bullet point in this list? It takes a village to raise a well-rounded child, and if one person in that village is a little more lenient (or strict) than you, consider it a nice balance to your own style and rules.

❖ Set communication limitations. Limit talk and texts only to what is relevant about your children. Keep your language and tone respectful and business-like to avoid further conflict.

❖ Determine how and when extended family should visit and what role grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., will play in caring for your children while in and out of your custody.

❖ Create purposeful downtime. It’s tempting to feel like you need to have every part of your day with your children planned out with something exciting, especially if you are not the custodial parent. But rest assured, you do not have to travel or spend money when your children are in your custody. Kids need a chance to be “bored.” You can be attentive to them without lavishing them with gifts or excursions, and who knows, a meaningful conversation might come out of having “nothing to do.”

DON’T

❖ Damage the child/parent relationship by criticizing and vilifying your ex-spouse. Degrading your ex to your child could not only hurt their bond (and remember, children adjust better when in a relationship with both parents), but it often backfires because the child no longer feels comfortable around you.

❖ Use your child as a pawn to punish or manipulate your ex, their new partner, or your ex-in-laws. This behavior puts your child in the middle and ignores their humanity. In other words, your child will end up hurt.

❖ Attempt to be the favorite parent or make your child choose which parent they would rather be with. Likely, your child loves you and the other parent. Also, your child is a reflection of both of you. In your child’s eyes, putting down their other parent could feel like you’ve bashed them, personally.

❖ Keep your cool, and don’t jump at every opportunity to blame your ex when something goes wrong. For instance, the fact that your son is moody and tearful when first getting back in your custody might have little to do with what dad did and a lot to do with the fact that transitions away from either parent are hard. Ask for a calm, factual discussion in which you ask for your ex-spouse’s input on what you both can do, and remember to keep your communication business-like.

❖ Take your pent-up frustrations out on your children or abuse substances to make feelings subside. Fake it ‘til you make it. Your children need you to be strong and set a good example in dealing with big emotions and stress.

❖ Let guilt guide your decisions. Leading from a guilty conscience is likely to result in broken boundaries and excesses. Children need firm limits. Without them, kids are inclined to develop unrealistic entitlement, become self-absorbed, and lack compassion or empathy. Money can’t buy back time spent away from them or eternal happiness.

Healthy communication is key to co-parenting well. With time, patience, and practice, you and your ex-spouse can begin to handle joint custody and all the complexities that go along with it. No life is without obstacles, though. With respectful communication, shared-parenting apps that ease the difficulty, and these helpful “dos” and “don’ts,” you and your co-parent can be better equipped to conquer raising healthy kids.

*The information provided above assumes mentally-healthy, responsible parents. Seek mental health and legal counsel if your situation involves a co-parent who is abusive, neglectful, or mentally unwell.*

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