Balancing Truth With Protection: How Much Do You Reveal to Your Child?

As children’s brains mature, they ask more questions. It’s not unusual for children of divorce to begin wondering, “What went wrong?” in their parents’ marriage. You may start fielding more questions as they age–questions you can’t give a quick answer to that satisfies their curiosity.

How much do you reveal?

In some cases, your divorce or your ex’s odd or scary behaviors may require explanation on some level. What do you say to a child whose other parent yells at them, incessantly berates them, or gets drunk or high while caring for them?

Below, you’ll find helpful tips on how to talk to your child about a common co-parenting dilemma, starting with the ultimate litmus test. So, how much should you say about your divorce or ex to your child?

The Ultimate 4-Part Litmus Test

Scientists use litmus tests to find out if a substance is an acid or base (alkaline). In simpler terms, a litmus test determines if a particular thing is acceptable.

Here’s your four-question litmus test for deciding whether or not what you’re about to say to your child is appropriate. Use these questions to prepare for tough conversations or to craft a response on the fly when the questions start coming:

1. What is my intention behind telling my child?
2. Does my child absolutely need to know this for their mental or physical well-being?
3. Is my child mature enough to hear this?
4. Can I speak about this maturely, factually, and without added emotion or badmouthing my ex?

Let’s cover these questions one by one

Intention

Stop and think about what you want to say. Then, determine your intention. If it’s to garner sympathy, make yourself look better, or make your ex look worse, say it differently, or don’t say it at all.

Need-to-Know Basis

Does your child need to know their other parent stepped out on you with another lover? Likely not.

Determine the reason your child must know some information. If it’s to give them peace of mind, coping strategies, or to keep them safe, then it’s okay to divulge.

If your divorce was high-conflict, you likely have things you want and need to get off your chest. Your child is not that person to help you do that. They may end up putting a lot of blame on themselves or carrying around a heavy mental load that can negatively affect them and their relationships (including their relationship with you). Talk to friends, family, or a therapist when your child is nowhere near you.

It’s okay to divulge more details when your children get into their later teen years and beyond, especially if they ask. At any age, always follow up particularly unsettling info with how much you and your ex still love your child, and nothing can ever change that.

Child’s Maturity

Your child’s age has a lot to do with their maturity level. You know them best. Tell them only what you think they can handle and only in a way you think they can handle it.

Give kids a Sesame Street version in their adolescent years. Again, always follow up with how you and their other parent love them very much despite growing apart from each other.

Switch to a PG version in their teen years if you have to talk about affairs or other heavy issues. Don’t go beyond this level, though.

Your Readiness

Your child may ask hard-hitting questions while wounds are a little too fresh for you. Start setting boundaries at points too fresh, raw, and hurtful to discuss. Tell your child you don’t know you have the right things to say about that right now, but you’ll take time to form your answer and get back to them later.

Think Like a Therapist

When and if you do decide to tell your child certain information about their other parent, talk to them the way a therapist might. Talk in facts, not emotion. Don’t describe the people you’re talking about (“That no-good…”). You can say how something made you feel but do so sparingly.

Dangerous Situations

Some of you may have more dangerous situations because of the ways your ex acts or the substances they take. These situations call for more candid conversations with your child. They need to know what signs to look out for. They also need validation to understand that their experiences are real and their feelings spot-on or close enough. You must also develop a safety plan with them: running to a neighbor’s house, giving them a cell phone to call you, etc.

Document all abuses (out-of-control yelling, inappropriate touches to include physical abuse) and instances of neglect. Many co-parenting apps have note-taking capabilities to keep information like this in one place. Your legal representative can use your notes to help you change your custody arrangements and parenting plans if your ex consistently endangers your child. Call child protective services and police for immediate help keeping your child out of harm’s way.

Dealing With a Difficult Ex

You and your ex might experience communication challenges with each other as well as your children, especially if your divorce was contentious or still fresh. However, you two must communicate when it comes to taking care of your child and exchanging money for child-related expenses. A co-parenting app with expense-tracking capabilities can help you exchange essential child and financial information without talking, meeting, or keeping track of emails or texts. Moreover, many co-parent apps are court-approved, allowing you and your legal team to structure the best custody situations for your child.

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Infographic

As children develop, they often ask more questions, especially regarding their parents’ divorce. This infographic offers four questions to help you decide if your response to your child is appropriate, aiding in tough conversations or impromptu discussions.