Co-Parenting Tips for Unmarried Parents

So many co-parenting articles seem geared towards divorced parents and no one else. What about those who never married? They also face co-parenting challenges.

Pregnancies occur following quick boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and one-night stands, too. Even couples in same-sex relationships can adopt or agree to alternative means of having a baby and then break up.

If this is you, it’s time you feel part of the discussion. Let’s look at the unique dilemmas you face. Plus, we’ll give you an arsenal of ideas to help you and your co-parent work well together.

The Good: Fewer Emotional Scars

Some good news regarding most non-married co-parents is that they typically have less turmoil or strife. Often, they weren’t together long enough to develop deep, painful attachments.

Cutting relationship ties is often easier. Friendly communication or zero communication typically is, too. Building a businesslike relationship more effortless, lacking the vulnerabilities and emotional rollercoaster more seasoned lovers endure.

The Challenging: Unmarried Complications

Co-parenting of every sort has its challenges. The most common for unmarried co-parents are:

Difficult Relationships

Some unmarried relationships were serious ones. Those separations can be just as painful and conflict-filled as a divorce between a married couple.

Paternity Disputes

Either side can more easily dispute the father’s paternity in an unmarried situation. The mother can choose to document the father’s name on the birth certificate or not. If she does choose to list him, he has legal rights to share time and responsibilities with his child.

Sometimes, a father may sign a Voluntary Acknowledgement of Parentage form to establish his parentage. However, some states require a paternity test for questionable parentage. A parent may want DNA proof to gain access to their child or request child support from the other parent.

Loose Ties

Divorced parents typically feel more bound to where their child and co-parent are and try to avoid moving away. However, never-married parents are likely to become long-distance co-parents or have an uneven custody schedule (like a 70/30 split).

Working With a Stranger

In short-term relationships and one-night stands, parents may have the added challenge of not knowing each other well (or at all). That lack of familiarity introduces an extra fear component and complicates custody planning and exchanges.

Baby Blues

Sometimes, a child resulting from a one-night stand or a quick or complicated relationship isn’t the happy occasion others experience. One parent might refuse to have anything to do with the child for a while.

Then that same parent might have a change of heart years down the road and want to begin a relationship with their child. The one who remained in their child’s life could resent the absent parent for trying to pop back in.

Solutions: Adopt a Growth Mindset

You will learn as you go, especially if you remember that you and the other parent won’t be perfect. With a willingness to grow, accept your differences and imperfections, acknowledge your own limitations, and remain open-minded and trusting, you and your co-parent can get through the next 18 years or less.

Grow a Relationship With Your Co-parent

Begin building a friendly relationship with your co-parent. Have good-natured chats in person, over the phone, or through a co-parenting app. Invite them to hang out with you and your child on a stroll through the park or at a playground.

Keep in mind that you are establishing the foundation of this relationship for your child’s benefit. Gear conversations towards whatever makes co-parenting easier–talking about your family history, lifestyle, values, and parenting styles.

The more friendly you can be together and the more you get to know each other, the easier raising your child across two homes will be. Consider counseling to help forge those bonds. Alternatively, agree to co-parent completely separately and don’t try to forge any bonds.

Accept Their Differences

Even the most agreeable married couples don’t parent alike. Neither will you and your co-parent, and that’s a good thing.

Children thrive under all sorts of circumstances and parental guidance. Verbally acknowledge with your child that your differences are okay.

Give your co-parent plenty of leeway to be their perfectly imperfect selves. You may not realize it, but they might also cringe when they hear parenting stories about you.

Take most of what you hear and see with a grain of salt, only taking offense and discussing it with them if it’s abusive behavior. Alternatively, avoid discussing your other co-parent altogether (parallel parenting). Don’t ever bad-mouth your co-parent to your child or give verbal cues about how much you disapprove of them.

Establish Essentials

Set a few broad boundaries and leave all other battles alone. You want your child to remain safe and law-abiding, so discuss the few expectations that will set them up for success regarding those two things and avoid micromanaging all other issues.

Assume the Best

It’s easy to assume the worst about a person you barely know or one who wronged you in the past. Recognize that your mind can create a negative bias towards your co-parent and play tricks on you, causing you to make incorrect assumptions about them.

Give your co-parent the benefit of the doubt. Remind yourself that you can’t see the whole picture. Also, realize they might be scratching their head and rolling their eyes at some of your less-than-stellar parenting moments.

Document Especially Poor Behaviors

Start documenting everything if you feel your co-parent’s parenting behavior is illegal, inappropriate, or dangerous. For example, use a child support app to record child support payments (or lack of).

Don’t rely on texts or emails for tracking. Those can easily get lost or altered.

Instead, use a documentation tool, like a co-parenting app, to record communications and keep your conversations in writing within the app. Share the information on your apps with a legal representative and family counselor for extra help and support.

Stay Open-minded and Willing to Learn

Parenting is challenging. Treat your co-parent like a partner who helps you meet the demands of raising a child. They can help you figure out solutions and help make your child a well-rounded individual.

You don’t want a partner who’s exactly like you. Rather, you want one who is different and complements you, picking up where you fall short.

Most importantly, keep your interactions child-centered. You and your co-parent can form a businesslike relationship to raise one extraordinary human being.